If you are healing and growing and moving forward as a survivor, there is one thing that we sometimes do and it is self-sabotage.
How do we self sabotage?
By settling.
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Settling for relationships that you know aren’t healthy.
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Settling for men who don’t treat you any better than your last partner did.
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Settling for people who drag you down and keep you there.
I talked about this on my last podcast episode with Theresa Schmidtman, a survivor and success story. She and I were agreeing that this not only happened to us, but to many other women as well.
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It’s self-sabotaging but you do it anyway, because you’re hoping and praying that someday it’ll all work out…He will see how awesome you are and he will become magically awesome.
Or
If you just hang in there long enough…
Just maybe things will change and you won’t feel invisible around him or if it was family or friends that were abusive, then you hope eventually you won’t feel invisible around those people in your life.
And maybe your partner will finally start treating you like a queen or just simply treat you the way you deserve to be treated.
It is a BASIC HUMAN RIGHT to be treated at least fairly and without fear. …..Right?
But how long are you going to wait?
Months? Years?
While you are waiting for the behavior of others to change, your life is passing you by.
You are missing out on some pretty awesome things that life has to offer.
You are getting older.
Here comes the truth bomb:
The people in your life, that have hurt you or have created emotional wounds or that have damaged your heart…. are NEVER going to change.
Never.
And nothing you do or say is going to make them change.
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You can’t control other people so waiting for the situation to change won't help you.
This is the mistake many people make….. thinking that if they do something differently, then this person will change or if they wait long enough, things will be different.
All the while, your emotional wounds are not getting healed, your needs are not getting met and you are stuck in place.
If you can think of Stuck as Dead…… now how does THAT feel?
Where you are stuck, you are actually dead in that area of your life. That part of your life is dead…… Doesn’t that put a whole new spin on things?
Dead.
Instead, it’s up to you to change your situation!
I get it - you want to be a good friend or a good partner (and you ARE). But are you being a martyr or worse yet a door mat? Are you starting to believe the things you are being told that are most likely serving only the person saying them?
Sometimes, people with unmanaged minds and unmanaged emotions can really hurt you with their negative self talk. They like to project their negativity onto to others so they feel better. It is their way of coping.
Can you see how that has nothing to do with you?
How you were an innocent victim in someone else’s nightmare?
And because of the time you spent trying to deal with this person, you developed insecurities and emotional wounds and survival responses for just your day to day life.
You were being confused by their issues and possibly taking responsibility for things you did not do.
You were left a shell of yourself because every single thing that was beautiful and awesome about you was stomped on and buried down so deep that you thought you would never feel those feelings again.
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Remember, relationships are a 2-way street my friends and if the people in your life aren’t being at least supportive and understanding, then it is not a healthy relationship.
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So why do you keep getting swept up in toxic relationships?
I am thinking that you have some unresolved emotional trauma that is keeping you from breaking free and moving on. Things that you may not even realize or remember that happened in your past.
Now there are the obvious, bad marriages or partnerships, so there is that.
But there also is childhood pain or emotional neglect or flat out abuse that you may have thought you put behind you. And I am sure you have not forgotten about it, but we sure do everything in our power to act as though it is in our past and not in our present. The problem is that unless you identify your past pain, come to terms with it and take ownership of it, it will take ownership over you and your emotions and all of your actions.
A toxic past relationship can have negative, long-term effects on your current relationships.
How? Well it looks like this…. You are in a new relationship. You are giving everything to make it successful. Your partner has some past issues and can’t fully commit to the 50 50 contribution to the relationship.
You overlooked their past emotional wounds and issues because all you want is to be loved and seen and heard, something you did not have in your past and you crave it. You overlooked a lot of red flags because you thought they would get better.
You have insecurities that made you settle for less than you deserve and those insecurities came from your past. They are unhealed and most likely unidentified emotional traumas or call them wounds if you don’t like the word trauma…...
The reason you’re settling for wayyyy less than you deserve is because your self worth got damaged and you started taking on an identity that morphed out of your past experiences.
Your self worth is not gone, it just needs to be revived and reset.
You need your power and control back
You have a voice and you have a choice.
Make it before any more times goes by.
Here’s the good news: You don’t have to settle.
Not anymore… and not ever again!
If you want to experience how amazing life can truly be, I have a powerful 1:1 six-month program.
Let me tell you how we can kick start your new experiences and create your empowered path.
We meet weekly on ZOOM, and I will hold your hand through my powerful “Triumph Over Trauma” program.
Together we will:
Find and release you from the toxic environments in your life and put you back in control.
You will see how creating safe relationships with loving, nurturing people, that will support you and lift you up, can shift everything so quickly.
We identify any damaging areas from your past relationships and move toward healing
My goal is to help you discover your life’s true purpose.
If you’re interested in fixing this once and for all, message me or email me at karen@karenmessina.com
What do you have to lose?
I look forward to hearing from you. But if you are not in need but you know someone who is, feel free to share my podcast with as many people as you would like.
Warmly,
Karen