We are going to get serious about emotional healing and who’s responsibility it is?
Now I have talked about being a victim and spending your time talking about what happened to you, which keeps it alive and present in your life.
I’ve also talked about safe relationships and leaving relationships that are not safe for you. So what makes a relationship safe or an environment safe? Being able to feel safe enough to express yourself without judgment or criticism…..things like that.
And DOING THE SAME FOR YOUR PARTNER. IT IS A TWO WAY STREET MY FRIENDS.
Abusive relationships are a different story - that is cut and dry. You need to get out if you are in an abusive relationship.
But for our every day life with either partners or co workers or family and friends we need to start taking control of our outcomes.
Now for relationships many times we have an unidentified and certainly unhealed emotional wound from our past or from an incident that has happened.
But we need to really take a look at that and find out why we are acting out in such a way that is causing either us pain or other people pain.
Sometimes things happen to us in our past and we may have never addressed it or we never healed it. How would we, especially if it happened when we were a child or we just didn’t know there were life coaches out there to help us through the process of healing.
So healing our emotional traumas or wounds really is creating disconfirming experiences to disprove the experience of what happened to you in the past and when I say disprove I don't mean to say that it did not happen but that you can disprove that experience by creating a new experience for your future. “I am changing the “experience” I had by replacing it with a new, more positive experience.”
Disproving it by saying “no I am not going to let what happened to me in the past dictate my future and how I'm going to move forward with my life”.
I don't want to re-create the experience that I had over and over like we tend to do.
So if you were in an abusive relationship or a toxic relationship in the past or just an unhealthy relationship …. and you are in a new relationship you may tend to just expect some of those same things to happen, so you are always on the lookout, always looking to stop something from happening or always trying to find evidence to prove that the person you're with now is going to be exactly like the person you were with in the past and that's where the sabotaging begins.
So let's say when you were younger you had abandonment issues of some kind or you had a parent that wasn't there for you or you had a parent that you loved dearly but they had personal issues and they were constantly in and out of your life and so you never felt safe.
You never felt like you had that soft landing where you could grow as a child.
Typically, if things went badly in healthy relationships, your parents would be there to catch you and what I mean by that soft landing is they would help you through the troubles that you were going through as a child, like we all went thru, right? They would teach you and comfort you and help you thru it all. Make you feel seen and heard.
Or maybe your parents were divorced or maybe one of them had a drug or alcohol problem which I hear a lot of lately or they just weren't good caregivers so you always felt alone and you developed a lot of feelings around how they were treating you and that got deep-seeded into your soul and embedded into your neural pathways. Those pathways become deep and familiar. Again, creating new pathways with new experiences is the answer.
So you had all that going on but now you're in a relationship that you really want to work out and one or the other of you are doing things that are very triggering
And YOU could be doing things that are triggering your partner which is causing them to react in a way that's triggering you
See how it's a vicious cycle if we don't get it in check?
I just want to impress upon everyone that yes it's terrible to be a victim and it's terrible to have had any kind of emotional trauma happen
but it's also terrible if you don't take charge of your own emotional healing.
There are so many ways to do it now.
There's absolutely no excuse not to, especially now… with all the life coaching and counseling offered and available to us.
Let's think about it for a minute, if you're in a relationship with someone and they are unhappy and constantly telling you how unhappy they are and wanting you to react in a way to fix them …..that is always a recipe for failure.
It is like they are relying you to make them happy. AND many times that is them being stuck in a victim role (and they need to seek help to unblock those feelings) which means they are keeping their past alive.
Imagine how exhausting it is for a person to have to be in charge of not only their own happiness but another person’s happiness as well. Right?
So now that person, who may have unhealed and unidentified emotional traumas themselves is being triggered by the partner that is expecting them to “fix their problems.”
Here's the thing….. you have to be in control of your own happiness and your partner has to be in control of theirs.
You cannot expect another person to make you happy. You can each compliment each other with each of your strengths, but to solely rely on another person to “make you happy” is completely unfair.
Now if you each have things you need to work on emotionally, I recommend hiring a coach either together or separately to work on whatever unhealed or possibly unidentified emotional traumas that are buried deep down inside and that are coming up to sabotage your life.
I always say this…. you can't do it alone and there is no shame in reaching out for help. Remember, trauma festers in isolation.
Many times people think that if they keep it a secret then they'll feel better about nobody knowing about their pain except themselves. Doing that though, just compounds the pain you are already feeling because deep down inside, you will feel like a fraud…..causing even more internal stress, and when you enter into a new relationship, if you don't get those feelings up and out of your system they will ruin your relationships.
But remember, it's a two-way street…. if you're both suffering with some thing or if you and your family members maybe have unhealed wounds or you and a coworker or business partner are struggling to work together …..it’s only going to get bigger not smaller.
I can’t stress it enough that you are responsible for your emotional healing.
I am here for you. I offer one-on-one coaching and I would be honored to be your coach, help you through the process of healing, get strong and live the life you deserve.
go to: karenmessina.com and sign up for your free, confidential consultation.