Have you ever felt so confused about how you could have ended up in an unhealthy relationship?
I mean you are educated after all. You are a professional, you are a doctor or an attorney or a business owner or a mom that has raised your entire family….
We ask these questions of ourselves…
How could this have happened to me?
I thought I was smart enough to have seen the red flags.
I didn’t have a bad childhood, so why would I let this happen to me?
And now.... now that you are well past it, how is it effecting your life today?
So this is what happens. You think you have your life under control. Everything seems to be going well, but you find yourself second guessing your decisions and choices.
You have an unsettled feeling within you, but you have made a career out of pushing that feeling down. You are good at it because it is your survival technique. It is what has kept you alive up until now.
Letting feelings come up and feeling them all the way through has been way too scary. So scary that you have learned how to keep them buried deep down.
Now, why does that matter? It matters because as you try to navigate your life, you will see that those feelings will come bubbling up when you least expect them. Or when you don’t want them to.
Maybe it shows up during romantic relationships. Your relationships may suffer because you don’t trust anymore. Or you have control issues and it hurts the relationship. Maybe you are always feeling like your relationship will end… so you keep your guard up when it isn’t warranted.
Maybe you want a promotion in your job but that little voice that comes up tells you that you are not good enough and don’t bother applying for it.
So what do you do? Do you settle and just give up? Do you decide that what you have is good enough?.... therefore keeping you stuck.
Here is what I know. Feeling safe is the key. To build safety within you, you need to identify the root cause of those feelings…. the ones that you keep suppressing. What caused them in the first place? That is where you start.
Once you identify the root cause of your feelings, you can take ownership of them. You can be in control of them. Knowing what those feelings are and that you are in control of them, keeps them from sabotaging your efforts.
The reason you didn’t feel safe in the past is because your fear of rejection was too scary. It brings up all the stuff you wanted to forget. It represents failure and self worthlessness. It brings up feelings that were unpleasant so rather than feel them and PUT them away, you chose to BURY them away. That creates fear and fear makes you feel unsafe.
It is all very subtle and we don’t notice it happening. That is how we end up saying “how did this happen”.
It is not your fault. Let’s get that cleared up.
But it is your responsibility is to take control of your situation.
Know who you are and what you stand for.
Feel safe enough to say what you want to say, without worrying what other people think about it.
Feel safe enough in your environment so that you know what is happening in your home and life and finances.
Feeling safe will set you free.
Knowing that you are supported by the people in your life is also important.