We very often say, how much has it been costing you to keep living this way
Or
How much time and money have you spent to try to fix a problem but it never seems to change?
But the real question is “can you afford to continue being unhappy or unfulfilled or dealing with your past that keeps sabotaging your future?”
Recently I have been seeing a lot of women that are really hanging on to their past and they feel like it is their identity after so many years.
It means just that, identifying with what happened to them and making that their comfortable space.
Our comfort zone is super important to us, especially when everything is so scary in the world.
Being safe is also super important.
If we take those two things, comfort and safety, we end up being stuck.
So I met a woman who had an unhappy childhood. She came from a broken home and felt that she was not accepted by her family. She felt as though she was always being left out or misunderstood in some way.
She wanted so desperately to fit in and be part of the group. But she was actually making matters worse by her interpretation of how she was being treated. She likely was treated badly or unfairly but not understanding that it was not her fault and taking it all personally is where the trouble starts.
She started looking at everything her family members did and made it about her, like it was done to upset her or on purpose. No matter what it was they were doing.
After years of this and years of not speaking up or asking for help, she was convinced that everyone disliked her.
Remember, emotional trauma festers in isolation.
She was always afraid to have the hard conversations with her family to clear the air, but rather she hid behind text messages or Facebook comments.
Always seeking those tidbits of attention she would get fromt telling her negative story. She would be trying to get more and more people "on her side" so that she could have a support system to validate that she was a victim of an unfair circumstance.
Ultimately, the root cause of her emotional trauma was never addressed. Remember, you can’t rely on the behavior of others for your happiness.
It was discovered that she was feeling insecure and unloved but was deflecting that feeling onto everyone around her in an attempt to mask the feelings of despair. The sad part is that when you direct your negative energy onto others, you are isolating yourself even more.
You see, if you tell everybody your sad story and you get some attention from it, it will make you feel better for the moment but those feelings are short-lived because those people go on with their own lives and you're left with the same unhappy feelings inside.
Pretty soon, this became her life style. Seeking out and finding evidence to support her belief that she is a victim and no one cares about her.
She started to believe this about herself and it seemed like everything pointed toward what she was believing, that she was a victim, broken and unlovable.
But just remember, she can't rely on the behavior of others for her happiness. She needed to dig deep inside and really look at what it is she is actually upset about and even if everyone in her family apologized or admitted or came to terms with something she thought they did, does anything really change inside her? Would she feel better?
She had an emotional wound that was created in the first place and that's what needs to be healed. So people apologizing for something they really didn’t think they did or weren't aware that they did would not heal her emotional wound.
As a matter of fact it would likely magnify her feelings of being neglected. She would likely find herself saying things like "see I told you they all admitted it" or "they apologized so I was right, I'm wounded and I'm broken and everybody has hurt me."
But is that what she really wants? How is that helping her move out of the space she is in and into the space she would like to be in.
Once you can identify what happened and own or come to terms that whatever it was, it was in the past and you are in the present.
Realizing the that you can create your own story and start a new chapter of your life is where all the power and control is.
But can you afford to keep on talking about the past and how it hurt you and how you feel left out and rallying people around you to hear your sad story and then they give you that momentary comfort?
Sure that feels good and you may even feel better about telling everyone that your family was awful to you and you are broken and a victim. But we get in a rut with this perpetual need for vindication or validation.
Like we are not going to rest until we can prove to the world that a wrong was done to us.
I just feel like it is very sad for the people who are living their lives this way.
Spending all of their energy focusing on what went wrong, rather than focusing what they can do to disconfirm their experience.
Life is too short my friends.
You cannot afford to waste another moment talking about something that you had no control over and that no longer should effect you.
The only way your past affects you is if you let it.
You let it by talking about it all the time which leads to you reliving it and reinforcing it. Keeping it alive and well.
To be honest, you will run out of friends who want to keep hearing your sad story over and over.
They will be there for you at some point but over time they will get tired of hearing your story and really hope that you move on with your life.
I tell you all of this because being a future focused coach, I am committed to helping you have a goal and have purpose in your life.
Put all your energy toward that. Use all of your thoughts and critical thinking on planning your future.
Listen, you are strong. You are capable, you are in control of your outcomes.
What do you want your outcomes to be? That you are victim? Or that you blew past survivor and into success story......
Let me help you reach that goal and find purpose in your life.
As always, you can reach me at karenmessina.com If you would like a free, confidential consultation.