Did you lose YOU after an abusive relationship?


What happened?

Who was I?

Who Am I?


Let's start with - Who was I?


You were likely a person with very high hopes and a positive outlook on life.


What were your dreams? Hopes? Desires?


What was it that you wanted for your future?


Were you strong-willed? Out spoken? In control?


Did you have a plan laid out?

Let’s look back to when you were young…. You couldn’t wait to start dating, go to high school, start college, get married.....

Always looking to the future and what was next.

Now, Who Am I?

We are looking to the past to define us, right? Who we married/what job we have/what car we drive, etc. and most importantly what kinds of relationships we are in or that we have.


Now we feel stuck in a rut or on the hamster wheel of perpetual unhappiness.


Fear is the main reason we don’t move out of the space we are in and into a more desirable one.

Fear of failure

Fear of what others will think

Fear of what people, who YOU feel have invested in your current status, will think if you make any kind of change.

Things other people have told us over time have shaped our world and our outcomes

Parents: "this is what is safe, so don’t step out of this comfort zone"

Other people: "Well you are not good enough or smart enough to accomplish that or it seems to hard, or are you sure you want to try that or go there or do that thing?" No support or uplifting you.

Co-Workers: holding you back so you don’t get ahead of them in some way. Or are jealous of you or just create toxic environments.


But the most important question is,

What happened?

We got into a bad situation

Unhealthy relationship

Abusive partner


What happened to “I am woman, hear me roar”? What happened to your dreams?

This is important: It doesn’t really matter HOW it happened ……what matters is WHAT happened and how we held it MEANING how it was dealt with AFTER.

Did you hold it in isolation? Letting if fester?

Or did you bury it deep down, just to have it come bubbling up in some way?

Did your support system want to brush it under the rug?

They do this for 2 reasons

  1. They just want it to go away

  2. They are not equipped to manage or understand

Did you buffer and buffer until either you developed a bad habit (drinking, drugs, over eating your troubles away)?

Or worse yet, did you start to believe the opinions of other people or the abusive behavior that was dumped on you?


Little by little, our old self melts away like butter.

It was stomped on or squashed.

I hear people say “I lost my courage or my strength” or “that situation ruined me.”


Remember, no one has power over you unless you give them power.

No one can hurt you unless you participate

Unless you engage or resist what is being said.

So, let’s talk about the here and now

You have NOT lost your spirit, your strength or your dreams.

You did not LOSE your power and control

You just were not able to USE your power and control, in the way you should have been.

*It is not your fault and it was never your fault.*

Other people’s problems belong to them.

Their un-managed emotional states are their problem to fix not yours.

You cannot change people.

You also cannot rely on the behavior of others to determine your happiness.


So, we think, I am amazing ,...and they will see how amazing I am.... and they will become amazing too, right? Wrong....

If I comply all the time, then things will be better.

If they would just do this, then we can be happy.


Relying on the behavior of another person or other people for your happiness is a recipe for disaster.

You are HERE and it is NOW.

What are you doing to move forward?


It is time to brake the cycle of the perpetual patterns and habits you have come to know and love.


The things we think have kept us safe, like not taking risks or not moving on, etc. are the things that are keeping us stuck.


Safe environments, safe relationships and purpose in your life will help to heal emotional trauma.

Once you are there,

  • Start with a goal

  • Put a plan in place to get there

  • Take massive action not passive action

  • Hire a coach.


I am here to help. Contact me to get started.


karenmessina.com

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