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Entering another relationship after abuse...the fear and lack of trust that comes with it.



When starting a new relationship after abuse, why do you think there is lack of trust and there is fear?


The first thing is that you may not have healed your emotional trauma, so you carry it with you to the next relationship

Starting over, all by itself can be very scary.


So, I say this a lot:

IT IS NOT “HOW IT HAPPENED” TO YOU BUT WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU. AND WHAT HAPPENED AFTER THE ABUSE OR SITUATION OR EVENT.


Did you hold it in isolation?

Did you brush it under the rug or did others ?

Did you feel that no one supported you or believed you?

Did you keep it buried deep down?


These things will determine what your next relationship will be like.

Healing your emotional trauma is necessary to move forward into the next relationship/chapter/phase of your life.

Safe relationships: what does that look like? It looks like people lifting you up, not pulling you down. It is people in your life supporting you, loving you and caring about your outcomes.


Safe environments: what does that look like? It looks like you being in control of your decisions, your finances and your outcomes. No one telling you what you "have to" do.


Finding purpose in your life: what does that mean? it means you are doing something that lights you up, that makes you want to get out of bed each day, that brings inner joy and peace.

Why are these important? Because in order to enter into another relationship…and have no fear or no lack of trust, you need to heal and love yourself from the inside first.


The healing process takes a little bit of time but each person heals at their own pace. Finding the root cause or the original incident of your pain is the first step. Owning it and processing it, so that you can take control of it, comes next.


You can take back your power and control....

You can be in control of your outcomes…..


Create DISCONFIRMING EXPERIENCES to prove that what happened to you doesn’t have to define you or be your only experience……

You are in control of the disconfirming experiences because you get to decide how to proceed.


You can create a disconfirming experience and turn around a negative situation so that it becomes a positive one, in your favor.


Fear comes from the unknown, not knowing what will happen next or fear of what may happen again. Anxiety stems from this as well. We feel anxious when we don’t know what the outcome will be or anxious about the past happening again.


Can you be in control of that? Absolutely !!!

Lack of trust - Well why should you trust anyone? You were hurt in the past and you didn’t have a support system to catch you when you fell. You didn’t feel supported or nurtured so you isolated, buried things and became a victim.


When you put your trust in the very person or people that you thought loved and cared about you, then they stabbed you in the back, they stomped all over you and your honest trust, you lose all sense of trust and hope in that moment. This causes an emotional wound.

You didn’t get the response that you had hoped for or that you deserved.

Let's look at basic human rights:

  • The right to equality and freedom from discrimination.

  • The right to lifeliberty, and personal security.

  • Freedom from torture and degrading treatment.

  • The right to equality before the law.

  • The right to a fair trial.

  • The right to privacy.

  • Freedom of belief and religion.

  • Freedom of opinion.

Safe relationships include these things

Safe environments include these things

Finding purpose in your life heals emotional trauma. You can’t start a new relationship until you are whole and happy with YOU, (not perfect but whole), in love with YOU and can trust yourself.

Trust yourself enough to know that you won’t be with anyone that doesn't respect you or give you the BASIC HUMAN RIGHTS that you deserve. All humans deserve that.

Just because your past happened doesn’t mean it becomes part of your future.


As always, reach out to me for more information or if you would like to sign up for one on one coaching with me.


karenmessina.com

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