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Let’s talk about letting go.

What does that really mean to you?

First decide “what are you holding on to?”

Is it a person? If it is…. there is an attachment issue there that you need to look at.

You’re holding onto something within you that is unsettled.

We bury some things down inside of us from our pasts and when we keep going back to unhealthy relationships over and over, it is because there is something within us that is unsettled.

Love yourself enough to walk away and trust your own gut feeling.

Either stay or leave but make an empowering decision one way or another and be true to it.

Now if it is not about a person, you still need to make a decision. Let’s say you can’t let go of the need to be right all the time.

What is the root cause of that?

What is the reason you feel that way and can’t let go of that.

Perhaps it is because you weren’t heard as a child. You couldn’t express yourself as you wanted to. So you developed this pattern of showing others that you do have a voice and you want to use it all the time, even if it is inappropriate.

So every time you are with people and and you want to try and turn that behavior around, you find yourself doing it…..maybe you say, oh darn, I did it again and I didn’t want to be so overbearing tonight. Make a decision to change and then take massive action to make it happen.

Here is another example: If you eat at a restaurant and don’t like the meal that you received, would you go back and order it again? NO I doubt you would.

But if you keep going back to an unhealthy relationship or to that bad meal, what does it say about you? If you keep going back to the bad behaviors of needing to be right all the time, or going back to the person who is unhealthy for you because it is the easier, more comfortable thing to do…..what is that saying about you?

It says that you are lost and confused about what it is that you DO want…..

We tend to want to blame the people and things around us for our unhappiness. That is for sure a dead end.

We need to learn about ourselves and about what we want and what we don’t want. Learn how to empower ourselves.

Start retrieving your power and control. Start taking it back or digging it out of the basement of your mind, which is where it sometimes gets stuffed.

There is nothing worse than being on the fence about your feelings, right?

If you are admitting that you are in a toxic relationship and all you do is complain about it, what does that do? That puts you in “victim” mode. You stay in the relationship but tell all your friends that he or she is horrible. That is not empowering. In fact it is very dis-empowering.

Pick a side. Either accept that you are unhappy or move on.

When you stick around or continuously go back and forth, you are creating an internal tug of war.

Here is how I see it….

You have two choices: you can either hold on to the past or you can decide that you want more out of your life.

The past, being all of your thoughts about what has happened to you, is what is making you unhappy. Either a person created those thoughts or an experience did that to you.

I read recently this: “Some people have trouble letting go of their pain or other unpleasant emotions about their past because they think those feelings are part of their identity. In some ways, they may not know who they are without their pain. This makes it impossible for them to let go.”

So it defines you, whether it is your pain or your past or what ever you are holding onto….

What defines you? Your past “you” or your future “you” ?

What do YOU want to define you?

So since I coach in a future focused manner, let’s figure this out together, ok? Because my goal is for you to reach your goal…. Your end result, your ideal life.

I mentioned attachment issues. There is:

  • Secure Attachment: you are more likely to be satisfied with your relationships, feeling secure and connected to your partner without feeling the need to be together all the time. This type of relationship is more likely to feature honesty, support, independence, and deep emotional connections.

  • Dismissive-Avoidant (or Anxious-Avoidant) Attachment: people with this attachment style generally keep their distance from others. They may feel that they don’t need human connection to survive or thrive, and insist on maintaining their independence and isolation from others. These individuals are often able to “shut down” emotionally when a potentially hurtful scenario arises, such as a serious argument with their partner or a threat to their relationship. Our primitive brain is in charge here, keeping us safe from any harm. So you may be isolating yourself so much that it makes it hard to be in a relationship. But what does shutting down do? It isolates you and creates a barrier, a wall. Plus you are not feeling your feelings all the way through to resolution.

  • Anxious-Preoccupied (or Anxious-Resistant) Attachment: Those who form less secure bonds with their partners may feel desperate for love or affection and feel that their partner must “complete” them or fix their problems. While they long for safety and security in their romantic relationships, they may also be acting in ways that push their partner away rather than invite them in. The behavioral manifestations of their fears can include being clingy, demanding, jealous, or easily upset by small issues. This attachment relies on the behavior of others in order for them to be happy. Also trust issues come up here as well. Being clingy or jealous is a sign that you are not trusting your partner and mostly not trusting yourself. Just imagine how exhausting it must be for another person to complete you or to fix your problems. You are responsible for your own happiness. It is not your partners responsibility to make you happy all the time, that is your job.

  • Fearful-Avoidant (or Disorganized) Attachment: People with this attachment style generally try to avoid their feelings because it is easy to get overwhelmed by them. They may suffer from unpredictable or abrupt mood swings and fear getting hurt by a romantic partner. These individuals are simultaneously drawn to a partner or potential partner and fearful of getting too close. Unsurprisingly, this style makes it difficult to maintain meaningful, healthy relationships with others. This attachment also is common and makes it difficult to let go. It is like an addiction.

Now that you understand these attachment styles, do you see YOU in any of them? Or a couple of them?

Understanding your attachment style and realizing if you need to adjust your thinking is super important.

Are you unsettled about something?

  • For Anxious-Avoidant Attachment if you keep your distance from others and feel that you don’t need human connection to survive or thrive, and you insist on maintaining independence and isolation from others, why do you think that is? What caused you to feel this way. Find the root cause of that feeling.

  • For Anxious-Resistant) Attachment: If you form less secure bonds with your partner and feel desperate for love or affection and feel your partner must “complete” you or fix your problems, why do you think that is? You may have fears that cause you to be clingy, demanding, jealous, or easily upset by small issues. There is also a root cause to that attachment pattern. Knowing what you do and don’t want is helpful here.

  • For Fearful-Avoidant (or Disorganized) Attachment: If you try to avoid your feelings because it is easy to get overwhelmed by them, again you are not feeling, dealing and healing. If you have abrupt mood swings and fear getting hurt by a romantic partner, you need to decide why you feel those feelings. Do you get drawn to a partner and are fearful of getting too close at the same time? This will surely make it difficult to form and maintain healthy relationships with others.

So letting go becomes difficult because you are stuck in an attachment pattern.

Not being true to yourself makes it hard to love someone else or simply “be” with someone else.

Either stay or leave but make an empowering decision one way or another and be true to it.

Keep the feelings or let the feelings go.

What do you want for your life?

Here is the thing about letting go,

You have to love yourself enough to say either “you are not right for me”, or “this situation is not working for me.”

You can’t be on the fence about your feelings.

Decide and then own them.

If you want to learn more or would like some coaching, please feel free to reach out to me.


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